Franks story. Oldie but goodie

Frank: Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

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CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI..

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

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CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

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CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI ...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

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CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fr esh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

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CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

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CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

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CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

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CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

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Pain and relief "Where the sun don't shine"

A - friend of mine had a minor case of hemorrhoids that oozed a little blood, and to relieve this inconvenience I wa^h^h^h^h My friend was trying to find something useful to apply, HE grabbed a container of lotion that claimed to contain Aloe Vera (which should be ideal for treating a minor cut) and applied a small amount manually.
While concentrating on the task he happened to read the label, and promptly started laughing out loud. With his butt in the air and with one hand applying - giggling over the fact that this was probably the place farthest from the minds of the inventors to use their "After Sun Lotion".

*Incidentally he was asked never to show himself at the drugstore ever again.

Wildlife of the woods

Its close to months end and I had about a weeks worth of vacation days that had to be spent before may. So I chose this week and lucky me, the weather is beautiful - I got out the bike and went for a ride on my favorite trail, and it payed of too, apart from the birds (noisy bunch this time of year) I saw about 8 to 10 deer, that i nearly missed (Need to practice getting out the camera and operating it while riding) but you can see two of them on this picture if you look closely.

Then I saw a stoat that were much to fast to get a picture of, and finally this monster "snake".

pretty sure it isn't a rattler :-)

Brilliant day - bop is happy.

Art less pollution.

This is nothing short of brilliant.


Brazilian artist Alexandre Orion creates graffiti, not by painting, but by removing sod from the tunnel walls. Sure hope there is a treatment plant at the end of that sewer drain.

Running Man

I went for a run right after work today, needed to wind down and the sun was out so why not.

As I was about to enter the woods I met another runner, a man in his mid-fifties, I said "hi", and "how far are You going today". "Not far he said, just up the track". "Ok, mind if I tag along, if I can keep up with you, that is" I said smiling. - "No problem, and sure you can" he replied. And then we ran..

While we ran, he told me that he had had a motorcycle accident years back, where the doctor told him he should not count on walking without a caine and so on. But he had been training and eventually he had been able to walk and then run.

And we ran some more, and he told me more of his running experiences, how he had gotten more and more into it. At that point my pulse hit 182.

I kept my answers short and inviting, as I was eager to hear more, and was not able to speak in complete sentenses anyway.

All the while he told me that he had started to enter into competitions, had tried his luck in biatlons and eventually had run some marathons, but after a blood-clot in his thigh he had slowed down quite a bit - not he only ran 5 to 10 miles.

I did not reply as I was busy wondering if my pulse would stay at 184 or if it would climb even further.

Normally I run 2,5 to 3 miles but the small trip today was 5 miles - I am beat.

I will probably not be able to walk tomorrow.